Without I, Imagined

For no more or less than me
I am the sea change
Here to remind those
Unaffected by my will’s anchor
To dance freely
With the ageless breeze
To the Music of long
forgotten melodies.

Harmoniously
Connecting each beat
Outside of your heart stands
A circle connected yet
Stepping in and apart
We dance without rancor
In every color every flavor
The scent of bodies
At play - like the candle’s
flames lick
Crackle and flick fireflies
to tickle the night sky:
The stars laughter
Echo infinite eternity.
For a circle meets everywhere
On every point passes every line
There’s no beginning
And without a place to start
Time achieves nothing.

Dissolving into the ground
around my bare feet
Raise my hands so high
I hold the arms of my
Own shadows
Casting them away
From the sandy shoreline
Into the inky gulf
Polluting the water with
fear - worrying about
Whether fish cry tears
Or weep with the air?

Yet here I sink into the soft Darkened earth
And time, one day, escaped my gravity.
What unseen glue holds
The ocean inside a shell?
Not nails or wires
Hang against the walls of home
Like photographs no longer
There leave a ghost
Where faces once looked back
From window frames
Through panes of glass

I spiral inside
And outside the jetties of the present.
No one finds the truth to see me today.
Too much energy to find the vulnerary
My fragile broken barriers
Save me as I walk achingly
Into the tide now rising up to my chest.

Shifting to my back
I float flat and exposed
Looking down at my feet
Splayed out upon the anatomy table
The length of the sea.
The waves bring me closer
Between the distance to the moon.
Watch my blood flow
As it pours downstream where
Mississippi delta met me with a handshake.
But for sake of safety
Landing on the sandy shoals
Where time erodes and separates the shallows
From the depths where I will drown
And where the blackened muscles grow
Attached to me by overgrown
Beards diving down to a wreck.

In fear and longing (all the same)
The light confides in me
To worry less about the dark Night, guiding all that is lost towards
What dreams come in the sunlight. When
Truth arrives with you and without
A compass to guide the course
By the purple will of force:
The simplicity of freedom.
To draw charts upon insight
Instead of knowledge
Is comforting.
Still hearing the names of the stars in daylight
And imagining what’s unseen:
To stand by such conviction steadies me.
How night settles in too soon on the day
I find my direction in the dark
Through stars that call upon my inner vision.
Yet I was lost.

Allow the body to tend it’s inlets
As light fades too quick -
The long river flowed without a guide
Pulling us along in muddy groves
With the length of a yardstick.
Across my back tales of youth along the banks
And silence provides our course
As we flow now towards the delta
Fingers rise from the underground
Pointing toward the open water.
My tears the sea themselves
And come forth from where
Outer space once lived
By now replace with gravel
Now hidden away in ancient dreams.
Drawn upon some old part of me
Anything possible comes to find
Us awake but still asleep.
Here lying in my darkness
As the constellations blink alive
The blank forgotten horizons
Thats wherein lies eye sight.Fear less pain and “not agains”
Why say “We are born to die,”
When those who came before us
Laugh right at eventide.
Through memories written by hands
Shaky and unsure
The hidden books for
Guidance lived inside me all along.

I write my nervous hands shaking
With the fear of knowing real despair
Not a person alive breaks the silence
All at once waiting and leaving
Staying and going
We cannot cheat ourselves
Out of a journey without end.

Knock knock: depression calling!

Bing bong bing bong bong bong bing bong (Big Ben chimes doorbell)

Me: who is it?

Depression: oh an old friend!

Me: [excited because I’ve been isolated for seven months, opens door expectantly] Oh, no. It’s you. How did you get our new address?

Depression: I can find you anywhere at any time in anyplace so anyway I’d like to talk to your husband.

Me: [through a barely opened door crack] It seems you’ve already been talking to him behind my back!

Depression: Oh, he he, yeah that. Well, I’m always around…in the garage, the workshop, sitting in his office. He and I have a pact. If he’s laying down I come visit him and ruminate along with him, kind of like meditation.

Me: I was under the impression he is meditating, at least that’s what he’s been telling me.

Depression: HA! That’s funny. He tells you he’s meditating? Oh, good one. He’s finally learned, goodness he’s a stubborn one. He’s meditating alright. Rumination, meditation, what’s the difference?

Me: I’m very disappointed, let me come out there on the front porch, I’d prefer he not know you’re here. I love him and love is stronger than darkness and depression. [I try abc hold back my nearly audible angry tears…not again I say to myself.]

Depression: Well, I got news for ya toots, he’s been cheating on you with me.

[I slip out the front door and quietly shut it behind me careful not to let it see our new house.]

Now out in front of the house:

Depression: Oh very nice inside, I’ve already seen it, been around during those inexplicable arguments, when he tells you to “leave him alone” it’s because I’m there. I’m just good at hiding. You never do see me coming do you?

Me: Oh, I think you’re not as smart as you believe. That’s when I try my best to show him love and caring, make sure he knows I’m here for him. Love heals depression. Well…That and his psychiatrist and his medication.

Depression: Well, when was the last time he had his meds adjusted or saw his psychiatrist? And if you really believe love can beat me, you’re sorely mistaken.

Me: You don’t stand a chance in hell against me. Our trust will see us through. He knows you’re lying to him he just can’t always find the strength to remember sometimes and he pushes me away for a while, but I’m stronger than you. And I know all too well when you’re around.

Depression: Ha. Stupid woman. Drugs may have worked for a while, but I think you’re really overstating your importance. More like impotence aren’t you. I know your sex life goes down the tubes so to speak when I’m around, just like his hygiene. Haha haha. Stinks, doesn’t it?

Me: you’re an asshole. Is your partner anxiety with you?

Depression: Of course, didn’t you notice he was here last week. You were at your oncologist appointment and he knew you would be gone for enough time – didn’t his son push the right buttons while you, poor thing, were getting poked and prodded three hours away. Oh, we also have a contact at your oncologist’s office.

Me: Why can’t you just pick on someone else? No, let me take that back – no one deserves to feel this way. Why don’t you just piss off and die, both of you?

Depression: Oh we wouldn’t do that, and besides we are having a great time during Covid. Lots of new recruits to play with. I mean, we can’t seem to get through to you, but there’s thousands if not millions of people who have a really hard time with isolation and not seeing friends or the people they love. Covid has taken over the hardest part of our job!

Me: This won’t go on forever – you’ll have to go back to working twice as hard again. And by the way some of us are just not going to let you in, since we have no proclivity for being depressed.

Depression: Don’t worry we are not giving up. We will eventually get in your door too. Besides there are plenty better candidates than you for now. Lots more people with cancer who will relent to that negative self talk “why me?” “What did I do to deserve cancer?” “I’m such a loser I can’t even get better with chemotherapy.” “Where did all my friends go? Why am I so alone and afraid?” Oh those are my cues to put a dark veil over their minds, let them sleep all the time, and if the cancer doesn’t kill them…

Me: You’re a sick sick thing. Go away, he’s calling me and I don’t want him knowing you’re here. I’m going to hug him and put on some of his favorite music and get him out in the sunshine today.

Depression: [nearly invisible and hardly audible] Shit, no wonder we can’t get in, he’s a little stronger and you know what we are allergic to…but I’m always around…gasp…cough…I’ll see you soon…gasp…I promise you…wheeze cough…I…

Slipping inside I slam shut and lock the front door and go to wake up my crabby morning hubby. “Honey let’s get out today I’ll make us some lattes. Take a shower and shave so I can kiss your handsome face, and let’s sing and play guitar for a while. I’m gonna put on some music.”

Meanwhile the 70 degree temperature and bright blue sky along with the birds coming to bathe in the fountain in front of the house remind me that the world is full of memories not yet made and there’s much to be thankful for. I remember that love, patience, guidance and above all a commitment to my gratitude to having our happiness uninterrupted by this other disease that lives silently in the dark corners of our life isn’t going to visit us today and I hope not for a long time to come.

May you find peace and hope in these strange and difficult days.

Meditation

Please allow me to share a current meditation with you.

In quiet moments, I sit relaxed listening to the fireplace: the sizzle of the wood and the clicking of the cast iron as it expands with the rising temperature, the energy coaxing a well timed 1:4 beat in the background for my chant. Sometimes I may whisper the words to myself and other times spoken only to myself in my mind.

Sometimes I’m still or others I rock or sway gently side to side or front to back. All the while it’s important to push my thoughts out from my mind – I use an imaginary hand to shoo them away like flies on a picnic blanket. No violence, just a helpful movement of the pests so concentration on the words of the meditation can rise like the sun enlightening my mind…

All things in time, all for the reasons on which my life tumbles and turns to the songs of the spheres. Remind me as I am a human being, the universe tells me when I need to know: all is well. All is well.