Angelic Details

Angelic Details

Lampfish unevolved, light the crevice,
(otherworldly!)
Blindly finding their ceviche
(weirdly!)
A dinner time resevation for one,
Below the heaving inky pressures
Seas lifting other treasures.
Above on uboats rocking, spit roasted on a gun,
On rising waves. Cresting, comes the new,
Seemingly unborn facing headlong, due east.
Darwinian treasures and Blackbeards treasures
Never found a way to count the treats.
Good boys tell lies,
Dead girls stay sweet,
Against your spies,
We lost
At our cost.

Evolutionary final stand,
A willful brooding miner,
That ugly bottom feeder,
Seedlings forged by a designer.
Deedless fish which
Never stated a plan.
Such a lost lamplit fool I am.

Cantcer

Cantcer

I can’t sir. I am not prone tonight to eat heaving and

Sounding out sloppy syllabic English.

Sisyphus gave blood I heard yesterday

Helping out our cause at the five and dime.

When outnumbered run faster, he remarked

Wiping his brow and tossing aside a bead from his neck.

Colors streaking and bleeding while

Ten Red Crossing Guards walked down hill

To deliver us to a corner. Each and every cell

Even at the  coroners. Then cohorts we went ringing

All their bells dying to laugh at elderly crooks.

Well, dear, didn’t we?

Of Main, 1st, Acme, Arapaho.

Why do you even know – tell me –

What neighborhood streets fired off,

Sizzled by before the funerals.

Our ages ranged then arranged from

Dead red four two beats and too, too orange ade.

Sleepless? Well, sleep less.

Circadian arcane rhythms in the nacht muzhik

Dreamless drum beat Heartland 3-1 but who cares

Because tonight its core cooled just enough

Down to the touch networked our fingers enraptured

Engraved in graves for the book of the year  of the  dead

Picture us happy with Sisyphus’ Stoney strain

Upwards, shooting from frozen dreams

Bodies consumed by frequencies

And waves of electronic singing 180 degree miles away.

Off handedly I followed the paths of railway miles yet

So far only the shofar sings in the deserted diner.

I traded a philosopher’s stone for water sieved

Through the mazes etched in the lime of aquifer stones.

100 year contract for signing away, singing and astray

Your dearest routes and longest Rights of way.

 

Pain and Practice

Pain and Practice

You can achieve the magic eye
Through pain and practice.
Eyes for now, opposite.
Silver shadow spreads upwards.
Lids covered platinum,
Then black and back,
Brushed, stroked far beyond what I can see.

Gala and golden eyes for night in sunshine shades,
Violets tip their hats towards the soft,
Green, winged, shark-skinned scarabs.
Egyptian eyes lined up, not waiting, shut down for now.

Sitting waiting under the light
Desert pink sundown, ancient,
Frosted in,
Late day blue,
Hues of grey.

Noting thankless hands entwined,
Through practice in vainity,
You can achieve the magic eye.

Want vs. Need – to be human is to need

Want vs. Need – to be human is to need

My hope: someone else reads this and realizes others besides themselves feel the heaviness of the life they’ve led and the weight of what the future holds and finds they’re not alone… Reads this with the comfort that if there is just one person who feels this way means others, too, share their pain. After reading this they go on through the day knowing other people who “get it.” Or perhaps the fact deepens the wellspring of hope out of your physical reach. But it’s okay for the “strong.” The ones who people depend on not those who depend on others, our shoulders broaden with time like the trunk of a tree. Ah, it’s all that, and not simple.

Sometimes fear rules over love. Living in fear brings a darkness. The kind of dark without any light at all. The darkness of the universe. Living with love in your soul brings light, and the light brings peace to your soul.

Light and love bring peace and knowledge. Knowledge of many kinds – of the self, of others, and a broader wisdom beyond temporal time – yesterday, the here and now, tomorrow. Light illuminates Spiritual knowledge. As overwhelming as it may seem, actually it’s quite peaceful. It’s knowledge of the fleeting nature of suffering. Knowledge of our short, blink of an eye length of time here we only experience a few moments to deeply interact with other human consciousnesses, with their own crosses to bear, their own fears, and shadows cast by their souls between light and darkness.  It’s therefore incumbent upon those who found peace in the light to bear a torch or at least light a candle for those who cannot find the way due to unwillingness or in this case death. Whether temporarily or because it’s been so long that they can remember what happiness is like, bringing them strength to pull themselves into the light so they can find love, is necessarily our task.

As an aside, last Friday night at sundown on the Jewish sabbath, I lit six candles – one for each of the good souls responsible for my existence and passing on the responsibility of bringing love into this world. The six candles were for my parents, both of whom I lost very recently, and my four grandparents. Leah Kaminsky nee Fox, my paternal grandmother, died in 1969 of metastatic breast cancer. She died before any of my miraculous and poisonous treatments became available for her. Who knows what my life would have been with her in this world. But one cannot speculate. The universe works always as it should.

I realized after lighting those six yertzheit candles at sundown last Friday, how my Jewish heritage celebrated life, not with food of which so many of us joke, but with light. (They fought us, we won, let’s eat.)

I learnt recently that the Jews view the flame of candles to represent the human body, mind, and spirit. Those are the three colors around the wick of a candle: the blue light closest to the wick that burns the hottest, represents the physical body that requires energy (or food – candles were made from bees wax in long past days); the white light next, representing the mind that’s fueled by the body; and the outer red flame represents the soul’s connection to the body and mind and also the light that creates brightness and connects to everything we know and the unknowable universe.

Remembering that life brings love and fear shrouds us in darkness, I looked through tears at my husband who suffers from depression. He refuses treatment. In my tears I tell him that my struggle with cancer becomes much more difficult when he cannot be with me if he refuses help. He believes it’s not authentic if he gets outside help, yet it’s now been two full years. By doing so I feel like he denies me the joy that would help to keep me alive in good health longer. It’s no secret that stress and unhealthy relationship cause illness.  By withholding treatment he’s withholding love from himself, and from me. I believe in some ways perhaps I am selfish, and that I should depend on myself for joy.

But as human beings we need others. He remarked, “I want you,” – that’s a perception of me as object. We want a car, we want a computer. We need other humans – and that is the definition of love to me. Giving of yourself of love – not only the romantic kind of love, but the love we give of ourselves even when things seem the darkest. I told him I need you – in response.

Another aside (please excuse my ADHD). About six years ago, I had $10 in my pocket, and was living through a very ugly chapter in my life that effected me to the degree of experiencing PSTD. My stepson, then nine years old, tagged along as he always did when he stayed the weekends. There sat a man outside of Whole Foods. He was suffering from bone cancer and could not afford his treatments. He wasn’t lying. You could see his eyes and his body and his shame for needing help from strangers. I gave him the last of the money I had to my name that day. My stepson asked why I gave him that money, and my answer was simply, there is always someone who has life way worse than me.

There but for the grace of god go I.

Live in love and light although today may seem so full of pain. Live knowing that you can be the light for another today when things seem so dark and hopeless to them right now. And know you’re not alone, you are amongst a world of people who will bring light today along with you. My birthday is June 21st – the longest day of the year. Was the universe giving me a big responsibility that day? I must assume if I believe in the human spirit that indeed my task is such. But it’s heavy, my shoulders hurt, and my knees are swollen from the weight. But here I stand, while others cannot even get out of bed today.

No chance at all I’d leave my love in his time of darkness. I’ll help light the hidden path until he takes it.

Fuck cancer. I’m stronger than anything that can be handed this physical self. My tenacity and my humor carry me from test to test. Some I pass, others I fail; yet my life’s biggest test is as long as I can stand here and reach out to others and say, “I need you.”

I Judge Myself through Love

I Judge Myself through Love

 

Every morning, in peace and with the new day upon me, I am thankful for receiving all the love in my life. For even the most radical scientists at the end of their physical lives among  us, individually agreed that love makes us human and matters above all else. God, however  you may define the hand that moves the universe, the great architect as my husband calls god, moves us through love. So I share with you my daily prayer, mantra, ritual sayings, reading, or whatever you would choose to call such a thing. It’s words that represent who I am through my strong belief in forgiveness an through forgiveness, love.

Do not measure self worth in the sum of your mistakes,
Nor in the total of your accomplishments.
Do not allow the weight of the past to drag you back,
Choose forgiveness and receive the gift of the present.
You are the sum of all the love you feel,
And love can only exist where there is faith.
To allow forgiveness is to allow love,
The universe’s light and gift to you.

Your spirit gains no interest by receiving material gifts,
Nor by the amount of currency spent on expendable tangibles.
Inflation of the ego does not measure your self value,
Through receiving something artificially expensive.
Become humble through the joy of giving,
And accept immeasurable gifts from the heart with radiant humility.

Do not cause fear in others through shame,
Fear turns the soul into an empty well.
If you look for truth in fear, the enemy of faith,
You then become your own enemy.
Fear extinguishes love,
Forgiveness enlightens the spirit to love.

Fear shrouds insight and blinds you from truth.
The light of forgiveness shines brightly on love.
Sin lives in darkness wedded to fear,
But insight and forgiveness absolve us from sin.
Search for truth in love and spirit in divine giving,
Give way to the immeasurable light of love,
Allow faith to guide you in lightness and in peace,
All gifts of the knowable present radiate,
And then you fear nothing, not even tomorrow.