life with cancer

Canferatu VS The Depression Devil

One night last week Canferatu possessed my intestinal tract. The inhuman noises growled low and deep, as surely once awake, I’d look in the bathroom mirror to find I’d become vampiric, zombified, even bloodless. Only the undead, at least in movies, moan as though they’ve contracted a case of projectile diarrhea. Further proof of my […]

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Depression

It’s Complicated

Leave me alone, please and stop annoying me. Of course I love you. I don’t blame you for everything. You are pissing me off now. Do not make me say something I will regret. Of course I want to go to your oncology appointment. You never told me what time we had to go. You […]

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life with cancer

The Gift of Receiving Care

With a metastatic cancer diagnosis it’s imperative that I humbly and graciously accept aid, comfort, support and do so with an open heart and mind. My well-being depends on it. In the past I found it far more difficult to take than give, but my recent caregiving experiences have given me insight into the importance of receiving care to the giver not only the receiver.

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life with cancer

Peace, Peace: our universe of caregivers

Traversing my inner space wearing the lens of metastatic disease, my inner eye wanders into dark places at times. The glasses have me reading invisibilities into ideas that have no real importance. Ideas such as what my life’s purpose what could I possibly serve the world when at the moment I was diagnosed with #metastatic breast cancer three years ago, my needs far outweigh my ability to give. Many days my questions return only an inner sigh of response. My contributions and defining myself and my roles becomes so foggy, so unclear to me.

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Depression

One Fresh Hell, Hold the Tomatoes

Yearning for my partner’s support and the kind of tender and caring love many of which many metastatic sisters write and blog about, I now look over at him, home in bed, and find one whose dark, inky emotions remain locked away inside his heart, like the stars behind clouds in a dark night sky. He lays there disengaged, thinking to himself about things that cause long bouts of sighing, and the simmering anger of so many men who find themselves bitten by such disorders.

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