Did you take enough from me
With the deftness of a surgeon?
Were my borders clean and neat
Or does my destiny include
A shorter life of restless false religion?
I once built walls
and set my boundaries so neat.
Now with a deadly diagnosis
It’s difficult to see
where I start and when I’ll end.
Was my decision taken into consideration
Or am I just a part of a file of information?
When my rough edges showed
Everything the doctors need to know?
Hey I thought you said you’d cure me
But you’ll never get it all
And will you even tell me when it’s been enough
When will you make the final cut?
I’m lopsided and can’t stand straight
And I can’t walk with a proud gait.
When I cross the threshold
And I leave the world alone
My body broken, scarred and frayed
Knowing this will never go away
Cancer’s on mind today and
Sits on the tip of my tongue
Like the words that chemo stole
Now cancer’s breath is in my lungs.
Cancer’s legions shot my liver
And advise me to forgive myself
Because the remedies you gave to me
Contribute to my demise
Just like the words you shouldn’t say:
Like don’t worry you’ll beat this
You’re strong enough I know it’s true
I’ll pray for you
I’m in this too, forever
And then you disappear.
Leave your hollow words ringing in my ears.
For cancer I’ve cried every river
Down to the fingers of the deltas
Reaching into every gulf and every lake
To all the streams
Where I sat and quietly watched as
I’ve cried myself all the oceans.
In my dreams I’ve cried myself to sleep
From a night of restless indifference
To live again happily in my imagination
In which I live forever upon the seven seas.
But I’ll always live remotely
On an island you can’t see.
Yet there never seemed a time when I wasn’t sailing away?
The final cut so deep my blood poured outside
My body’s boundaries
Then flowed away mixing
With the water under a bridge.
With every drop I left the water carried me away
To a brighter place where misery no longer contorts my face.
I can’t recall anymore
Was there ever a day
When I wasn’t in such disarray?
I know I’ll never get to win
Yet I’ll get to see the end
Of this dice game in some
Dark alley where the danger
Fits me like a stranger sneaking
Up behind me with a scythe in one hand
Ready to deftly slit my throat and unbind me with
As the build up to the end of the movie
From this tortured body and release my soul
And let my life fall to the cutting room floor.
When on earth did I ever say-
I’ll never know if I ever showed you
I loved you dear body of mine
It’s all going to be fine
No matter the outcome
You held me in your care the best you could.
Just take your time heal yourself
I’ll heal my mind and heal this soul
When it’s time I’ll let it go
And watch the heavens welcome my spirit home.
Then please take me to god
(if there is one anyway)
On this earth or somewhere in the ether
And for whatever it is worth
when I die I hope I reach Nirvana as a kindred seeker.
The pain, the sorrow, this misery
The cuts, the wounds, the bruises, the gashes
But there’s just not enough of me.
My losses keep adding up to less
Like the punches thrown at me
that I duck
Kissed by a hair’s breath
Escaping my loneliness in my death
But I lost those fights in six rounds of radiation and now
I found just what it means to be eaten away from the inside out.
And will the last time I take a breath
Will I breathe the air of a dusty treasure chest?
When will I’ll know it’s enough to lay me down to rest?
So please don’t cry for me
As I fly away, I promise
I’ll be right back from the final cut
Out in this universe of discontent
I’ll sail away far off in your nightly dreams
Just remember I loved you
And remember I was here remember every day
remember every year
remember all the tears
and when I died
remember all those days
I held you in my heart and
I loved you don’t be taken
By surprise when you close your eyes at night and dream of me and see my face and touch my cheek and don’t know why I was ever there
You’ll reach over and I’ll be gone
You call me out
Then said you couldn’t play
When I needed you so much
on a day much like today.
Oh please don’t ever think
Or ran away
Although I won’t be here
I’ll always be where you can see me clearly and
I loved this life so dearly
Until this final cut
Took my years too early.