I’m Finally Vaccinated, Let’s Go Out Today!


You’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and you must ask yourself the following question: what would you do differently in your life or change about your life so If any week might be your last you’d be happy with it or at the very least okay with that week?

I asked my husband this very question. To which he reacted with a sense of injustice. “That’s not a fair question.”

I don’t agree. No, every day isn’t a great day…that much is true.

Here’s a snippet of an argument:

Unappreciative ass

Harsh realities too bad

I’m having a lot of trouble with this, hon, can’t we just talk?

You’re in no position to just talk. You’re not supporting us.

He needs to be on stronger depression medications just to simply be around me

I’m getting worse to be around

But I am great to be away from yet he wouldn’t be with me if I weren’t sick.

He can’t stand to be around me, lately.

And has no idea why I’m even with him.

But…We get along. Seriously.


However, built upon the foundation of modern western culture insure to that. Due to no fault of our own all of us were born into a time of rampant materialism. Noting we buy delivers on its promise of satisfaction. There’s the cliché small print that spells out a guarantee of no satisfaction. What it does guarantee: you’ll never see any money back should anything go awry. A broken warranty means simply using the product breaks the rules.

I’m broken. He cannot return me to a store, although I suppose he could leave me. But what a mess. And I still take care it so much for him, he cries occasionally: what will I do without you! Meaning -my cooking, my housekeeping, my all embracing hugs, my laundry prowess.

A manufacturer’s guarantee is akin to cancer in some ways. By living in our bodies with the environment at a time of great threat to its mere existence, we are swimming in chemicals and stress and we’ve not evolved to handle it nor should we.Read this article from Commonweal regarding reduction of chemicals in our environment.

Susceptible to Infections

The point I’m trying to get across is that by merely living in a physical body we are very highly susceptible to illness and specifically cancer. The warranty on our physical body while living in the post industrial, sedentary, sugar infused world with melting ice caps and chemicals in our air, water, and food there’s no guarantee of any kind.

With that in mind, ask yourself what would you do differently if anything given your own personal special circumstances even if you’re not hiding “a cancer” if you were to be diagnosed with a terminal illness? By the way, I deplore that phrase – the article in front of cancer removes it from our body’s boundaries giving it a life of sorts.

But hey, don’t worry.
Be happy. The year now 2021 – and now we’ve come so far as to have lived through a pandemic that’s still the bane of many an MBC enduerer’s existence (not to leave out anyone who’s also got a terminal illness but we tend to swim with our own kind when we are diagnosed for the shorthand we develop for quick understanding like chemo brain, and well, I forget the rest but you get my point).

Caught in a trap…suspicious minds

Trapped at home, through no fault of our own, due to our battered immune systems we wait out our turns for a vaccine. A shot or two developed so quickly it makes one think about our diseases. What the hell is taking so long to develop drugs to keep us chronic and alive a la AIDS, rather than becoming terminally ill upon diagnosis. Kept further apart from humanity again because of an incurable, rather painful disease.

As March roars for its wintery last puffs of snow coming this week, I recover from my recent covid19 vaccine. In hindsight I hope my appreciation for the life that cancer helped me find enough foresight to live in this moment in a way that’s just right for me. And I got the vaccine knowing it could have demanding physical repercussions.

I dodged that bullet. I’m fact having a break from my daily Verzenio – and my red blood cells began repopulating my bloodstream giving me back some of my energy. But I can’t overdo it. My tummy began filling up with ascites (see a few posts in this blog by searching up Ascites in the search tool right here.)

Stuck in the middle with you

So this will suck again. My pants are tight, I’m feeling uncomfortable and my feet are swelling. If you have ever been blown up like a waterbed, the draining process is exactly like it. But of course I’ll keep you posted – PET Scan next week – oh joy, head to toe and the anxiety It will bring over potential brain Mets.

Isn’t that what we all worry about when we get a head to toe scan? Those horrible metastases that could possibly go to our brains? The ones that we fear the most? Although medical science has come quite far and the cyber knife as well as other ablative mechanisms take care of them quite well. In fact better than mets that travel to most of the other organs are bodies. So nothing to worry about.


11 comments on “I’m Finally Vaccinated, Let’s Go Out Today!”

  1. Stuck with Cancer during Covid situations is horrible and no space to make ourselves feel free with the environment. Finally vaccination make you free and hope you will be free from cancer soon.

  2. Hi Ilene,

    Yet another thought-provoking read. Like Kristie commented, I don’t know where to start. Yeah, what if our bodies did have some sort of guarantee. But it’d probably be conditional, right? And Lord knows few of us would be able to live up to those conditions anyway. And what if our partners knew ahead of time that cancer would be barging into our lives down the road? I’ve wondered about that one quite a lot.

    I hope today’s scan turns out okay. I hear you on the fear of brain mets. There’s something so sinister about cancer finding its way to the brain. But then, cancer is a sinister, cruel beast. Safe travels. Snowed here yesterday as well.

    And so glad you got vaccinated! We’re getting dose 2 on Friday. I feel so relieved and grateful. And also there’s guilt.

    Keep writing. xx

    1. Well as of yesterday no more guilt and no one will be left exposed and we may return to some sense of normalcy though nothing can ever be the same after Covid is controlled or it controls itself through the herd. But by having to navigate California’s admittedly screwed up online “my turn” appointment system and with persistence I got lucky and learnt that I qualify as living in my own long term facility. I finally had to admit I needed help and will be using in home health services – lucky for me I have a dear trusted friend who is an IHHS worker who lost her last client to age, not cancer. But she knows me and saw I was getting down and I told her with the life I had and the house we moved into and all the things I used to do, albeit more slowly, Craigs complete denial of my health prognosis, and my lack of help due to where we now live I couldn’t get the things done I wanted while I am healthy enough to do so. So in the next month or so she’ll be moving up – I only pray that someday I will not need her and can let her be with someone closer to death than I. But for now just doing 10 loads of laundry I let build up when my Ascites was causing extreme fatigue caused more fatigue and I cannot catch up with myself. I feel horribly guilty for having to retire, to be on social security nearing 56, and relying on Medicare for my insurmountable bills and copay assist for the first three months of the year to afford the cdk inhibitors I was taking now moving to the Piqray duo since my mutation was “found” – I hope this puts the cancer to sleep for a while. After this it’s back to the drawing board. The radiation took a huge toll in my abdomen and today’s pet scan will give us part of the story.

      Guilt seems to be part of the package like a big shit sandwich.

      But what’s not part of that is the friendship I have developed with people around the US and U.K. primarily since the friends I once had have all but disappeared and family has determined I don’t have it so they’ve cut me out of their lives. In a way it cancels out the guilt like 1/-1
      ❤️to you my friend.

    2. Don’t feel a twinge of guilt for if anyone felt slighted by another persons well being they’ve got issues to work out. I’m learning to lean into things that bother me so I can see it’s me not anything more or anyone else. We live we learn. I don’t think Craig would’ve believed I’d get cancer 14 years ago and like Nina Simone sang in that husky sexy voice: love is blindness. I think the lyrics go both ways: ignorance is bliss. At times I don’t want to know what’s going on inside me. Maybe if I were blissfully ignorant I’d be more resilient to the cancer eating away at my body from my torso. I think the heart chakra probably knows best – sometimes better than the third eye. I want to put a patch in the middle of my forehead at times. But then again I’d not be authentically me. And there’s no one else to be (except Dr Seuss apparently!) I love you Nancy. Your brain and your heart both equally. My gratitude for your part of my healing – listening deeply to me through my posts – has a strengthening effect on my mind and therefore my body. Long may it live married to my mind in sickness and in health.

  3. I.drempt of you last night we were sitting on step of a porch. Looking at the night sky. The sound of owls calling to each other.
    Talking about everything and nothing. The air was warm i awoke disappointed to not be there on the porch 🙏❤️ one day

    1. Who-who-hooo hooo hooo. I call back to my horned owl, she’s her own but I like to think she’s my friend, perhaps the spirit animal between us. But I know in my hear one day, one day. And you know you’re welcome here too. I thought of how cool it could be if you could transfer some of the time to the us for retreats. I have the space and the place but no skills but leading writing workshops and healing circles. I guess those aren’t bad but what I know is really needed is healing touch. Someone to take care for just a little while – a respite. Here the hospital can provide respite care – but no one likes the hospital. Once in a while I just need someone else to remember my meds for me, to not have to do laundry, to just be free of the responsibilities of cancer for a short time, but it never ends until it all ends. But mark this – we will meet in this life, Craig’s been warned as soon as the travel restrictions are lifted I’m going to the UK. All of it. Wales and Ireland first where I have “miles to go and promises to keep” as Robert frost says in stopping by woods… he urges the horse on – I have miles to travel before I sleep. In a way it keeps me going. I must be in the presence of the love that keeps me safe, and I know where it lives.

  4. There is so much here that I don’t know where to start. You force me to think about things that I purposely avoid. You put your pain so clearly on the page that I hurt. Your husband’s pain comes through as well. I am hoping for less pain for both of you and that your upcoming scans can provide more hope. ♥️♥️♥️

    1. Oh I hope so too. Tuesday at 12:30. It’s supposed to snow too. It will be beautiful and frightening and the only time I let Craig drive because like skiing as I mentioned to you, he can drive better than anyone I know in ice and snow. I miss our life pre cancer, I miss my life pre cancer. And I had awareness before the cancer, not sleeping through life. Thank you for seeing through my words as you always do. ❤️

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