Cancer and Victimization

Victims or warriors? Can cancer truly create a personality that exudes false positivity? To act evasivly by smiling and saying everything is great when its not truly is an act of self victimization. To whom do we vent our internal state? A support group, good friend, spouce, family member?

God forbid anyone hear those three little words: “I’m sorry but…” and become a member of club cancer after this moment only they will know how we truly feel. Victims of corporate greed. Victims of poisonous cures. Victims of lonliness. Our futures victimized. Those we love victims all
of the pain of loss. We cannot remain as we once were changed forever. Some of us lose friendships and even face divorce in the most difficult time of our lives.

Stress takes on a whole new meaning as it could contribute to the furthering of our disease. If it’s possible to remain calm between scans, tests, years, months…Only those 1:8 know the ravages of this pandemic. And the lack of knowkedge to those of us with dense breasts who it seems haven’t the global right to know our breast density and thus our increased proclivity by 40% over those women without dense tissue.

Imagine being a man with a stage IV diagnosis. I only imagine they cannot bear witness to such a victimization of their gender and masculinity.

We then die as victims of information dissemination or lack thereof. The politics of illness keep us falling one after the other into open graves.

Two poems to leave you with this week on the act of victimizing the “other.” French Feminism dwells on this problem if you reach back about 30 years. Even the existentialists including one who personally changed me through reading her texts, Simone de Beauvoir said:
“I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth – and truth rewarded me.” May we all be saved by the truth of our own bodies and rewarded by health not punished by an ultimately wrongful death.

Victim
Dark blue night wings past
Snuffing out the end of day.
If memory serves,
Against curtains of magenta
Birds in paradise
Flew with flame flaring wings
And etched the scene into
Stone. The stripes earned by
Erosion and echoes
Cavernous crayon colors
Outside the river banks
Of eon twisted canyons
How stubbornly they
Remain unchanged yet to us
Markers of the waters trip out west
Sinking lower and lower then by
The end of the poem
A couplet of a sunset
Sinks in
To the sky writers of yesterday.

Let’s go kill this scene off
Of the death list —the so called
Bucket list. Bristling, insisting
Kicking a bucket is isn’t better revenge
Of a life lived well;
A container cannot defend itself;
It stores pictures without words.
Believing in emptiness
We never fill up our containers
And rename our dreams to fit
Infinite, empty, and black as ink.

Victims’ Dream

Pink cheeky girls woke up
Hearing my screams in the dank alleyway.
Just a caterwauling stray, they yawn,
Slipping into their pretty dreams
In between rose covered sheets —
Lining the inside of a restful box.

Curled up like kittens having tea
Painted into black flocked drops
Still life frozen stiff.
Another innocent mother
Wasting her love
Couldn’t know what to do:
Crying deeper than an orphan
With a never ending need
Of a basic meal and the itch unscratched it’s Mottled by parasites.

With her tongue like a steak knife
She clears the fleas she combs
From their fur bare coats.
Near silence hearing their satisfaction Through innocent mews,
Razor claws ripping, scratching, pushing
Her cradle fell away dying
I saw her almost speak
They watch her slowly
Creep back away and off
Like the sound of an old door
Squeaky and shut for the last time.

Finding herself everywhere,
Slashed and scattered she collects herself
From the pavement
Glass and stones
Hearts and bones.

Underneath the safety of a redwood porch.
Food and water sometimes appear
Bowing into the dish and darting
Up for air and reassurance against a trap.
Victims of a crisis or of conscience
Never get relief to drink or food to eat for thought.

In the dark wanting to see the other side
Only instead to stare back into our own faces.
Light of a camera obscured the window from a world view.
My hand saluting from my forehead
Blocking the indoor daylight at sleep from my eyes.
And mamma cat scared herself.

Pressed against my face, yet
Seeing those green eyes in the glass
Instead of me she ran off so fast they didn’t see her
Passing the pink girls who turned in,
Between Egyptian cotton sheets of papyrus,
But the alley cats silenced
And never once let a word out again.

Waiting for her,
But for me instead. Bottle fed and fatted
Unnaturally, all of us may never find a home
And the coats we wear
Are the coats of the pick pocketed and the poor.

All of us victims,
crying for food made from our mother.
But she’s not saving anything,
Not tonight—
The litter stole everything
Including her tongue.

5 thoughts on “Cancer and Victimization

  1. There were a few times I slipped into victim hood. Each time, it was because of a personal assistant who took it upon herself to talk about her health issues, financial problems, who was sleeping with whom and whom that whom slept with before she slept with him. This was not one homemaker but 4 out of 5. Those were times I went into a WTF moment asking myself, do they realize why they are in my home?

    1. WTF is right. I actually had someone I considered a friend sit on the bed with me last year and bemoan getting old and looking old. I thought does she realize who she’s talking to and how insensitive she’s being – I may never see old age and I always wanted to watch myself gracefully age and see the laughter in my wrinkles and let my gray hair grow long…it may never transpire. People never ever cease to amaze as to how self important they are!

      1. “Insensitive” hits the proverbial nail on the head. They have no understanding that we are fighting for our lives. With all of the great pathologists’ reports, I still live with cautious fear each time I feel the least bit of pain.

        Speaking of age, this is what happens when you are older with gray hair and fighting cancer — you get young personal assistants who assume you want to babysit their kids. LOL!

          1. LOL! That might work if I was not afraid of little people getting hurt around me. My house is not setup for little people. My son, who is now middle age, is also an only child. I don’t know why they think I even know anything about parenting skills since Dr. Spock. 🙂

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