A Metastatic Cancer Vacation

I know I’m fooling myself to believe that there’s any real break from metastatic cancer. I know that there’s no mandatory, compulsory vacation days in this new, completely abnormal lifelong career of metastatic cancer. However I recently made some decisions that take into account the enormous amount of energy cancer requires – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Vacations really don’t cut it, so larger more life shifting actions in my own case were required. No one really seems to know the root cause of cancer related fatigue. A quick search on cancer and exhaustion comes up with sites like the Mayo Clinic and the American Cancer Society stating essentially its a number of things or none at all.

Chuang Tzsu Zen Master:
“There are no fixed limits. Time does not stand still. Nothing endures. Nothing is final… He who is wise sees near and far.”

Not only can the disease in our bodies exhaust us, but the constant activity load required truly is akin to a full time job. As rare as those of us who spend a lifetime working in a career position for a single company are those who live longer than 2.5 years with Metastatic Breast Cancer.Just the mere thought of it requires a nap. Be right back after I rest by eyes and grab a cup of fresh ginger tea.

Recently, my response to finding the energy to continue to live under current conditions and current cancer activity load is sheer exhaustion. Approaching five years de novo diagnosis I’m simply tired. Tired to the soul level. And like with a 9 to 5 job the associated tasks must be prioritized and checked off of an activity list. I knew things weren’t getting done as everything required both for life in general and for my cancer life.

Prior to about four weeks ago my list of to-dos stayed exactly the same for more more time than many things had to be completed. Many of the items on my list needed immediate tending but I just could not bring myself to finish. Simple things like phone calls to schedule appointments with my current Stanford oncologists and others to insure that my new team at UCSF was all ready transition me smoothly. My prescriptions and insurance needed tending to and my shots needed appointments. The level of procrastination simply outweighed the need. And I was creating huge problems for myself through simple denial.

I made one radical decision – to move away from the polluted, overcrowded, downright mean city of San Jose to the winding rivers and tree cover in the foothills of the Sierra mountains. We are currently in an Airbnb house half way through the three weeks we must spend waiting to close on our dream home. We are thinking of it as a mini vacation of sorts as we make circles around our new hometown. It’s a place I’ve only had daydreams of; the kind of place where friendships can spark over common interests. It’s for people who don’t mind letting others merge into traffic and tailgating is left to football game parties not for aggressive angry drivers trying to connect their bumper to your back fender.

I also made a very big decision to leave my beloved and take the available spot for a cancer retreat. I did this with guilt in tow as I left at 5 in the morning to drive north for my second week in two years at the Commonweal Cancer Help Program. I left my dear one with the last of the packing and clean up of our sold townhouse. I was on the fence about leaving him with my cat and the last of our possessions until the very last minute. See my previous post to understand why I so desperately needed to go. But it did far more than that. I’m convinced it saved my life.

Sand tray was the very last activity before I hit the road to meet him up in the area of our soon to be house and here’s the result of mine:

Said Prince Hamlet, “For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

I was indeed ready for a week of cleansing in every way. I landed exactly where I needed at a time of high volume stressors. And there’s no discounting the importance of getting away and feeling the safety of being held without guilt In the arms and the security of real love. All this from the dedication of people who helped small groups of eight people affected by cancer for over 30 years. Together they create a peaceful environment to learn about myself and get to the root causes of my cancer.

I came back with important learnings about myself and about self care. Alas I haven’t the foggiest why I stayed off technology for over a week after returning to the real world, perhaps the wandering duo and Simon the cat settling into our final Airbnb after two prior stays, having to punt my oncologist appointment from shear exhaustion and not wanting to make a drive over 3 hrs and actually finding a house all might have a bit to do with it.

The exhaustion hasn’t completely dissipated but I’m working on learning how to not allow it to build up as it had. It was also a creative boost I needed and I wrote about six poems in the past 10 days. I’m going to add to the end of each blog post a poem as a way to give the true inner space of my thinking and of my creativity. Here’s one I wrote and read to the group of leadership at Commonweal. I hope you like it as much as they do:

Why?
Why does it happen?
Because it transpired.
Why are we here?
Because we were hired.
What does this mean?
It means what’s intended.
What did you say?
You said what you meant to.
When do we go?
We’ll go when we’re dead.
What does it say?
Not a word unless read.
From where does it come?
Where everything goes.
Whom do I address?
Who really knows.
Ask any question and
expecting an answer
Is like watching a dance
without any dancers,
And the silence of an instrument
without a player.
There’s no God to question
without a prayer.
So rest your mind –
you are not your thoughts
And without your thoughts
you’re all spirit and heart.

4 thoughts on “A Metastatic Cancer Vacation

  1. I totally get this, Ilene: “Vacations really don’t cut it, so larger more life shifting actions… were required” And the amount of energy required to do the normal every day stuff PLUS the cancering stuff. Sending you all best wishes for your new location and life shifting.
    ❤️
    (I wasn’t able to post this the other day, due to tech problems…)

  2. So much of what you say really is so moving and resonates. The fatigue of living with cancer is really incomprehensible to those without it. Glad you are moving though. Hopefully it will bring you much happiness.

    1. Thank you so much for your Encouraging comments. I really appreciate those resonate with my writing -that keeps me going and certainly makes it more rewarding. I hope all is well with you and yours. Moving was a wonderful wonderful way for us to get healthier happier in a much better environment. All the rushing around of San Jose was really giving us a lot of negativity – that’s what you get when you add fatigue to all the downside of living in a cut throat environment. It’s also brought us closer as a couple. Bonus!

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