Cancer and Freedom, Lost and Found

When I think about it, anyone with cancer or who’s had cancer suffers from many losses. Can we boil it down to a loss of freedom? In a way we’ve lost many of the freedoms they once we took for granted.

We’ve lost the freedom to make plans long or short term. Gone is the freedom to have a week where we don’t have to worry about our ability to keep an appointment. Further, we’ve lost our freedom to plan on vacations too far out in advance. And in some cases we lose the freedom to make certain decisions for ourselves. And what I mean by decisions, I mean our cancer actually makes the decisions for us. 

For instance, can we really decide, as I am in the throes of right now, to move to a new house in a new city? Perhaps  cancer slows us down so much that we can’t even meet deadlines required to sell and buy a new home? The Many mornings when I can’t wake up to take the 2 1/2 hour drive to see the new city and to experience it that’s a freedom that I wish I had. Maybe we could’ve even moved even further but alas I don’t have the freedom to travel quite as far as I used to. I need to be close enough to a hospital and to a cancer center and find a good oncologist. I’d also like to be close enough to an integrative health center, but I know that’s asking for a lot.

Most people can enjoy freedom in their lives day today week to week month to month even year to year. With cancer one lives on 24 hour’s – or less – notice. Have you ever had plans for the following  day, waking to know  you had to make that call and say I’m sorry but… fill in your excuse here. The excuse of pain. The excuse of exhaustion and fatigue. The excuse of just not feeling up to it. That is not freedom that is prison. 

Cancer puts us in a prison behind the bars of our bodies. Ironically, our bodies become the thing that holds us behind bars shackled  to a disease that’s inside of us. A disease that’s using our own bodies try to kill us. 

Essentially were on death row.

Yet even people on death row sometimes receive a pardon with a state elected governor intervening in their impending execution. Sometimes I wish I were on death row instead of having metastatic cancer.  Frighteningly as it seems it may be a lot easier than living in this body that creates  this jail and causes this lack of freedom.

I suppose it’s not all that bad. Death in someways is the biggest jailer of all. We lose our freedom to be here with our family and friends. We lose our freedom, as far as we know anyway, to do anything wonderful and to be with the people that we love. Yet we are strong and beautiful no matter what has been cut off or cut out of our bodies, or how deep the  cuts go in such painful and violent surgeries and therapies.

But there’s an upside to all this. I must believe things aren’t so abysmal. And it’s not so much that freedom been taken from us. We also have freedom from certain things, too. We  have freedom from people walking all over us, people taking advantage of us, people being disingenuous to us. It’s sad that it took cancer for some of us to realize we didn’t have to put up at some of the crap we used to put up with. So we do have some new freedoms as well. We have the freedom to get in front of the line if you’re not feeling well. We have the freedom to ask for an upgrade on a flight. We have the freedom to ask for an extension on a bill since our financial freedom‘s have all but left us, taken away by the astronomically high price of cancer. We don’t have anymore financial leeway or the freedom to spend any money on items that it might just be small luxuries for ourselves. We’re too busy trying to figure out how to pay for our medications and our visit to the doctor and for chemotherapy and other types of therapy. 

But we do have the freedom every day to wake up the new day and say hello to the morning. And we do have the freedom to walk in the sunshine or in the rain, or in the dark or in the light. We also have the freedom to think for ourselves and that freedom is the most cherished one of all. We can be our own best advocate. We  reserve the right to say yes and we are liberated to say no to what’s being offered to us. So as we get near the first day of summer, which is also my birthday, and the longest day of the year which makes sense if you know me, and as we get closer to  independence day in the United States let’s think about how independent we can be from cancer and from the negative perspectives we may have had prior to our diagnoses. I think about how independence and freedom are absolutely and intrinsically connected in my heart and your mind.

Perhaps use your cancer card this summer to just take a break once in a while. Just relax and remember we all have the freedom to breathe in the air and to love without boundaries. How lucky we are to be alive and still enjoy that freedom.

Tell me what you think.

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