Cancer, Consciousness, and My Mystical Moment

I do not love or even like having cancer. I do not view cancer as a battle to win or lose. By default a combat defines a winner as well as a loser. Losing would imply that those of us whose bodies succumbed, or will succumb to the beast within, lost a battle, a fight, a war. It implies a lack of something in the self necessary to keep the body alive.

I do not see pink or purple or any color for that matter as representative of a cure or anything that can reach in and extract the monster from inside me. Paradoxically, I love myself far more than I did 3 1/2 years ago. I’ve become more humane, humble. I’ve become more of who I genuinely am: forgiving, more receptive to receiving, more open to listening. I’ve found solace in silence and isolation has become a blessed space in which I can tap into the One conscious being that moves us all.

It is open space in which I find the gift of life and the sacred wisdom that only comes with time and only by coexisting with my own life and death simultaneously. Certainly, I never believed I’d die by my own hand. I don’t even know if I believe life is defined by time in the physical universe. Yet in disease I have found my mind to be a more hospitable place for my consciousness to reside.

For the first time I am aware that I am conscious of my own consciousness.

So with this I am going to share something that came to me one night about a month ago. It was as if some unknowable force moved my hand and in it the pen to write in large print on the page. The handwriting does not even look like my own. I’ve written it out twice and copied it over again without need for editing. And the same words came out. Nothing changes – not a single word. I even tried to write it from what I believed to be my memory. The same words again give or take about 15% differential.

And the message is very, very clear to me. I hope that as you read this you don’t think I’m completely nuts, but if you do that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m giving you what was given to me. It could be that it was in my mind all along and that I was merely writing it on the page that night, and no “unmovable force” that took my hand and scribbled on the page something that’s intelligible enough for me to read. I simply and gratefully want to share this with whom ever decides to read it; I believe it is important to share what comes to us either mystically or “consciously.” But In either case it is important to share our deepest thoughts and that we think or believe is important enough to actually commit to paper.

I’d love to hear your feedback and I’d love to know if it’s intelligible or even remotely understandable to anyone else. This flow of words is perfectly understandable to me. I’m not brave for throwing it out there to you; it’s neither selfish nor is it brave; it’s neither giving nor is it receiving; it just is.

Love The One

Take away what you’re not, and you will know who you are.

Strip the self to its bare essence and find the authentic self.

Deep meditation and pure silence of the mind paradoxically answers the question “who am I?”

And yet, who are we really if we coexist only in the space between interactions? If I am authentically aware and you wear a mask to disguise yourself then how do we communicate at all?

To think?
Or
To do?
To “think” who you are, to believe who you want to be is only an internal state of unconscious unknowing and it is a premeditated untruth. Yet “doing” what you love, what you want, is external an allusion to the true self yet still hiding behind a mask.

Belief cannot make you human. Action or inaction leaves your “mark” on historical humanity, a mark of your perceived beingness.

Born to hunt and gather, Homo sapiens sapiens evolved to think about how to become more productive at these basic tasks to nourish the body and to care for others. Thinking deeply comes with “free time.”

We built machines to do our work – we have time to think.
We built machines to do our thinking – what’s left to do or to think? Nothing but time equals depression; too much time and little to do allows for much broader thinking than required to understand the basic platform of consciousness. Thus in thinking we believe erroneously that we think for ourselves, but we cannot think not by ourselves.

Silence is beautiful if we are secure in the arms of nature. Meditation of beauty is the nature of being human. Yet we remove ourselves from nature and from beauty and this is the definition of complete unconsciousness.

Stripped bare, we are essence, we are natural, we are beautiful. Constructs of Beauty:
No one is able to attain the necessary beauty based on lies. The essence of natural beauty is not unconscious. The absence of natural beauty is unconsciousness.

Our world began whole, naturally, without human consciousness or the awareness that we are even conscious at all. We inhabit so little of the natural world, and we destroyed so much more than we can possibly inhabit even approaching eight billion individual selves.

We gasp and wonder why there’s a spider is in our house? Do nature service in return. Gently lift the spider, take it outside, and say thank you for stopping in. Make friends with your spiders. If spiders disappear then there are no beautiful webs to remind us from where we came.

Eventually we will turn to the soil from which are bodies sprang. Eventually our bodies return back to the soil, to the spiders. Don’t kill even the smallest of creatures, especially those that are helpless in our hands. Help to regain natural habitats rather than destroy our natural world. We are the first species nor will we be the last. We will produce a failure of humans without the humane-ness. And by our own laziness, cruelty, and concepts of beauty, we will die under the weight of our own inventions.

Love all.
Fear none.
Walk until you find the horizon and jump!
You will land in the windless, airless, breathless, blackness of space.
You can ful-fill it with your own conscious creations.

In this space you are God.
God is all and God is nothing.
God is the circle of infinite nothing.
Divide God and the One itself and the One destroys all.
Adding the One to God and everything is possible all is sacred.
This One is the same number repeated infinitely.
Subtract God from One and you’re back to zero and nothingness.
Do not divide the conscious self with nothing.

Become infinite by releasing The Infinite One from who you believe you are.
Do not become the belief that you are anything.
Yet you are everything.
Everything is God.
You are The One and God is you.

God is zero.
God is infinite.
You cannot divide love by anything.
The One can join love. The One can be multiplied by love.
The One can add to love.

Hell is to divide love by nothing. This is the only inescapable law the universe will give us.
This is the only knowable secret and that is this:
Heaven is Love added to all infinite Love.
Infinite Love is the One.
Stripped of what we are not, becoming who we truly are brings Love to consciousness.
In this state:
God is knowable.
Therefore, We are all God.
We are not alone in who we are and we are not alone and who we are not.
We will be alone until fear stops. Our violence comes from fear of what is unknowable.

Our unseen universal “neighbors” will remain hidden in the shadows, silently protecting those who do no harm. Those who do arm are trapped by their own “net“. By being who you are not you lie to the universe. If you lie to the universe, you will live looking back at what’s past. The past equals fear.
Fear opposes love.
Fear hides love and hides The One.
God is not Fear.

Wanting more than we need lays the foundation for violence and stealing of resources. By killing nature we look back at the past and do not see that we created a trap into which we trip and fall. We fall into the garden where the apples are rotten not to be eaten.

Look in the mirror. There, vanity will not allow you to see the self. Instead you will see an empty vessel in reverse. That reverse image is the opposite of you, the opposite of God. That is the devil, the evil, the not I, the end, and not the infinite. Be here now and you are with us you are with God and you are divine.

Mystical realizations can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Please look at your partner, your child, parents, a friend, your parents, your foes. Forgive. Unforgiving is a foolish act of jealous regret. Unforgiving pulls you into the past, stealing from the future and from everyone’s future. You will fall into nothingness when you seek the Horizon’s edge.

Bring Love to your perceived enemies. Bring Love to your spiders. Bring Love to the dead. Bring Love to your life. Love is the center of the infinite, and the center of everything is love.
Our consciousness is everything.
Our consciousness is God.
We are aware of our consciousness and we can only be the consciousness we perceive. To Percieve conscious love is to perceive God.
God is love.
The One is love.
Therefore we are love.
Love is God.
Everything is love.
God is everywhere.
Consciousness is infinite.
Nothingness is infinite. We are everything.
We are nothing.
God is us.
Love is God.
And in the end we are love.
We are all One and Love is everything we need.

Be with Love
And you will be with God.

Ilene

Female. East coast transplant living in the Bay Area of California. Living with Stage IV breast cancer. Married to the coolest guy in the universe who occasionally suffers from serious depression. Love my stepsons, although I never thought I'd have that thankless job - ever! And my best friend Simon is also my cat. How I have survived with stage IV: treatments including chemo and surgery; palliative oncology; tenacity; a dark sense of humor; support groups; and my newly reinvented career as a vintage and antiques maven. Some days I miss the old me who led a well respected and well paid life as a business strategist in high tech. So much for that. I blog to simply share my experiences and my poetic approach with others who have cancer of any kind or with their care givers and those who love them. If one person at the very least finds a little commonality or a friend out in the ether tor a smile, a common nod about this experience, or even a link to assistance, then I have accomplished a small but extraordinarily meaningful goal. Go team.

2 thoughts on “Cancer, Consciousness, and My Mystical Moment

  1. This;

    “Fear opposes love.

    I lost a friend earlier this year because she was drenched in fear, even imagining fear in non-existent situations. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise because now with my diagnosis, I don’t need her calling me everyday to tell me how sorry she is.

    Which brings up a question. What do you think when people say how sorry they are for you? I’m struggling with that when hearing it from the same persons over and over again.

    1. Sorry implies fault doesn’t it? I say “it’s not anyone’s fault so don’t be sorry. I am alive and this day has nothing sorry about it.” I wait for any response and usually the look or sigh of relief comes across.
      They relax.

      In general, it’s innocent because they don’t know what else to say. If someone asks for further explication once they learnt I have metastatic disease, they say “I’m so sorry to hear that,” I say, don’t be! Most people who know me at all know I will be honest and answer any questions they may have. I also do not to make them feel sorry for me.
      The last thing we need is pity or hollow sympathy.
      Empathy yes. Sympathy no.
      Sorry is for funerals and I’m not dead yet as far as I know!

      There’s several reasons people say Sorry IMHO
      First sympathy and lack of words to express themselves
      Second they HAVE to talk about how they are so sorry for you and it’s followed up with empty promises of calling, or coffee, or anything they can do
      Thirdly sorry is what they’re used to saying. They need to find a new way to approach illness.
      Finally, fear. Fear of mortality and death. They are sorry for your death but you’re here.

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