My Shoes

Try walking in these shoes
just for one day.
Your voice sharpened by
authority – a self important
tyrant of numbers counting
lives in dollars.
My money or my life?
Extorting me for
capsules of poison
without which I die.
I found a pot of gold
burried deep out
in our backyard.
Yet treasure comes with
a high price of stress
to pay for my life.
“Have a great day!
I hope you get well soon!
You got lucky to find
some money, huh?”

What metastatic meant
you could not say.
Upon learning
humbled and teary
you passed me away
to the next voice
who politely said
“We released yout account!
Tomorrow the pills
arrive withouta required
signiture and thank you.”
Adults need no reminder
of mortality
or the language
of a parent scolding
a child for soiling
a pretty new dress.
Just for a day
try walking in these
tight slippers.
They cause painful
blisters.
Ruby red magic gone,
where can I return
if there’s no
place to call home.
Never for one day
may you talk to
another adult weighted
down by death every night.
If I matter at all, really
it’s only the money,
why you call me honey.

I see bees now became an endangered
species, yet they sting me, too.

Ilene

Female. East coast transplant living in the Bay Area of California. Living with Stage IV breast cancer. Married to the coolest guy in the universe who occasionally suffers from serious depression. Love my stepsons, although I never thought I'd have that thankless job - ever! And my best friend Simon is also my cat. How I have survived with stage IV: treatments including chemo and surgery; palliative oncology; tenacity; a dark sense of humor; support groups; and my newly reinvented career as a vintage and antiques maven. Some days I miss the old me who led a well respected and well paid life as a business strategist in high tech. So much for that. I blog to simply share my experiences and my poetic approach with others who have cancer of any kind or with their care givers and those who love them. If one person at the very least finds a little commonality or a friend out in the ether tor a smile, a common nod about this experience, or even a link to assistance, then I have accomplished a small but extraordinarily meaningful goal. Go team.

2 thoughts on “My Shoes

  1. Wow, you have lots of talent. I really feel for you having to live with the worry of financing treatment for a life-threatening disease. I live in the UK where most treatments are free and I believe they should be in every part of the world. You’re a very, very strong woman.

    1. Oh I tend to agree and I’ve considered myself lucky so far. Strength isn’t the dominant factor, I suppose on some level it’s humility. Asking and being humble enough to take from where I can get it. It’s terrible fearing ones life when medicines exist to help us live that no one can afford. There’s a woman in Ireland who I helped to information to get six free cycles (months) worth of Ibrance from Pfizer because the national health care system deems it too expensive to cover. I felt so badly for her but I’m a wily one of nothing else and I hope she lives a good long time. They don’t offer it in the United States mind you! How ironic. I appreciate your encouragement very much and I hope you keep reading as long as I can write.
      Ilene

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