It’s Complicated

Leave me alone, please
and stop annoying me.
Of course I love you.
I don’t blame you
for everything.
You are pissing me
off now. Do not
make me say
something I will
regret.
Of course I want
to go to your
oncology appointment.
You never told me
what time we had to go.
You only put the
schedule on the fridge
last week.
I do accept your
calendar invitations.
Quit pressuring me
or we will definitely
not have sex.
That wasn’t a
threat.
I don’t hate you.
Why do you piss
me off by saying
such stupid things.
No, I do not contradict
everything you say.
Yes I took my med.
No I am not hungry.
I don’t sleep all
of the time.
No I did not sleep well.
Why did you let me
sleep the day away.
We do go out.
I can remember
when.
You’re crazy.
Can’t you just leave
me alone
already.

Sure. I can leave
You alone.
Conversations
never change
in a dark room
full of too many
decisions
and no answers.
I walk away
again and
make breakfast
at 3:00 pm.

Without warmth
there’s no fire.

Ilene

Female. East coast transplant living in the Bay Area of California. Living with Stage IV breast cancer. Married to the coolest guy in the universe who occasionally suffers from serious depression. Love my stepsons, although I never thought I'd have that thankless job - ever! And my best friend Simon is also my cat. How I have survived with stage IV: treatments including chemo and surgery; palliative oncology; tenacity; a dark sense of humor; support groups; and my newly reinvented career as a vintage and antiques maven. Some days I miss the old me who led a well respected and well paid life as a business strategist in high tech. So much for that. I blog to simply share my experiences and my poetic approach with others who have cancer of any kind or with their care givers and those who love them. If one person at the very least finds a little commonality or a friend out in the ether tor a smile, a common nod about this experience, or even a link to assistance, then I have accomplished a small but extraordinarily meaningful goal. Go team.

5 thoughts on “It’s Complicated

  1. It must be terribly difficult to wake up every morning and have a positive outlook when you are also a caregiver. I hope that you are taking time for yourself in some way that brings you a moment (or two or three, maybe 30) of happiness and calm…….
    Peace be with you…..
    ~S

    1. Every day I wake from sleep, to find a conscious life to live today, it’s akin to Halloween – trick or treat I put on my happy mask and have funk my

    2. And my cat stood on my phone ravaging my popcorn bag hoping for a bite. Bad Simon. Purr purr. But that’s what I mean. I laughed and he lays in my lap just purr purring away until adoptive mommy goes to sleep. I tend to use my no bullshit horn on the blog. Days with friends, with the sunlight, of writing and reading, of providing someone who least expects a smile or a gift with just that. It’s the stuff of real life where self care exists. I’m always late these days. My friends know that I’ll be late. Distractions can be beautiful and productive things-I take it as it comes. No slouching towards Bethlehem for me.💜

  2. During treatment my ex freaked out, laid guilt trips, didn’t take me to my appointments etc. Notice I said ex. I wasn’t able to stop hearing his words or lack of words…He continued to be a selfish ass even after treatment ended. It’s so hard going through what you are with the added stress. I know it isn’t easy on caregivers however-well you know. ❤️ #FuckCancer

    1. #Fuckcancer just about sums it up…worse than all this, if we go out with others or there are visitors he’s not acting the way he does in front of me alone. Although after having a guest for about five weeks now, she finally noticed that he has some real problems with communicating about or with me. I do everything because I feel indebted to him for being here financially for me. But in other ways not at all. Granted a bad case of depression caused by years of untreated OCD, being overworked but in a great position that he gave up two years ago, and suffering from PAS with a borderline ex – they divorced 13 years ago and the kids are 17 and 20 now, I would love to take my chances but the fire and the frying pan seem to be equally as hot and stressful. At least I have some security and someone who I can depend on without a doubt. Loneliness and lack of physical intimacy would be problems without him too. So I’m hoping our moving in the next few months will help both of us make a fresh clean break with our current situation and the wind in the redwoods will sweep away the ugliness of suburban hell.

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