Happy Mother’s Day, mom. You’re gone from life, but never from my mind. I do miss you and wish we’d had our time for closure, which was robbed from both of us. Yet not a day goes by that my guilty relief of having a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t leave a trail of tears. I feared Mother’s Day as a child, never quite getting the right thing if I could or doing enough to satisfy her insatiable need for worship. The golden uterus – she created me and I owed her, therefore, a lifetime of debt I couldn’t pay.
Celebrating a mother’s carriage and rearing of a child seems awfully weird to me. Born of her choice, and hopefully for the appropriate reasons, to carry a life, nourish it emotionally and physically until it’s time for the child to sever the umbilical cord, freeing themselves of the bounds of the NPD parent. My parent decided I was mature at 14. So mature in fact, that I could handle supporting myself for the age of 14 and for the rest of my life. Off she went with my younger brother to settle in with my future stepfather. I became a reminder of guilt to keep as far away from family functions as possible. And it was wrong I knew, because it was a secret I couldn’t share; no one was allowed to know I was living by myself. A few people in my family knew, I suspect, but no one wanted the added responsibilities of a teenager should my mother continue her denial.
Perhaps I’m one of the few who grew nervous and anxious as Mother’s Day approached – even as an adult it’s not a happy day for me, and it continues it’s bitterweetness as a stepmother. Few stepmothers receive cards, gifts, flowers, appreciation, or just a quick thanks. Not for any holiday or even a birthday in my home. My home where two boys spent countless hours with me, and both of whom I loved as much as any stepparent could love someone else’s child. The children I spent the last eight years with me giving of myself to no avail. But I grieve in private rationalizing that leaving a child to founder is sinful. In fact I truly believe this to my cancer-riddled bones.
Given the tug of war that I found myself dead center of, I continue to feel rope burns in my hands and more life scars for which I never asked. To relieve ones self of the lies you swallow every day along with every meal your reminded how your wonderful sacrificing mother scraped by and had trouble affording, and then she goes to get ready for a date as you scrub dishes with ultra strong childhood soap, then bathe yourself, do something wrong after she leaves and smartly wake up before she does to meet a friend and sneak a smoke on the way to school.
As you grow out of their grip and into adults you also hope to hell she changes. Sadly she never does, and like all those friends of hers you never did see again, she dies alone and confused by her own misrepresented identity. NPD mother’s are shown to have early onset dimentia like mine did before she died of guit or Alzheimer’s or both.
Happy fucking Mother’s Day.