My Funny Port-a-cath

Today is my least favorite day of the month. It’s subcutaneous injection day  at the chemo infusion center. If you look at the photos of my face and upper chest, the big bandage is over my “port-a-cath,” which is used for my blood draw,  sometimes. Mainly this is an expensive tap into my body, which the nurses flush monthly with heparin to keep it free of clogs and of any infections. That port, which cost over $47,000, was surgically installed in the hospital in March of 2015 about 3.2 milliseconds after they suspected I had cancer. Its never been used for anything but the occasional blood draws. And not all nurses are trained to use it. You can tell me cancer isn’t a successful business model, and I will sell you a bridge that connects Brooklyn to Manhattan.

“Through a port (sometimes called by brand names such as Port-a-cath or Mediport) inserted in your chest during a short outpatient surgery. A port is a small disc made of plastic or metal about the size of a quarter that sits just under the skin. A soft thin tube called a catheter connects the port to a large vein. Your chemotherapy medicines are given through a special needle that fits right into the port. You also can have blood drawn through the port. When all your cycles of chemotherapy are done, the port is removed during another short outpatient procedure.” From breast cancer.org http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/chemotherapy/process/how

Mostly, It Looks as though I have a plug used for charging an electric car. Just call me Nicole Tesla. It’s my personal anachronistic device or my PAD. Funny story – While getting a quick car wash a few months back, the gothic teen who was on cashier duty that day asked me if it were a new kind of under skin piercing. I told her what it was and she said, “wow cool!”  I had to laugh instead of becoming indignant. I said, well not really, and I hope you never need to have one installed but you can use me to charge your Prius. To whit she asked, “really?” And with that, I said absolutely, wished her a good evening and reminded her to get a mammogram.

So I get three types of injections today:

Faslodex – two HUGE viscous injections given in tandem by two nurses  into my upper gluteus maximii. It takes 30-40 seconds to get these suckers into my body

XGeva -subcutaneous into my abdomen

Zolodex – subcutaneous into my abdomen

Yes they hurt. A lot. But I’m a good patient and the nurses in the infusion center are angels in human form. Bless their love and compassion.

 

I Judge Myself through Love

 

Every morning, in peace and with the new day upon me, I am thankful for receiving all the love in my life. For even the most radical scientists at the end of their physical lives among  us, individually agreed that love makes us human and matters above all else. God, however  you may define the hand that moves the universe, the great architect as my husband calls god, moves us through love. So I share with you my daily prayer, mantra, ritual sayings, reading, or whatever you would choose to call such a thing. It’s words that represent who I am through my strong belief in forgiveness an through forgiveness, love.

Do not measure self worth in the sum of your mistakes,
Nor in the total of your accomplishments.
Do not allow the weight of the past to drag you back,
Choose forgiveness and receive the gift of the present.
You are the sum of all the love you feel,
And love can only exist where there is faith.
To allow forgiveness is to allow love,
The universe’s light and gift to you.

Your spirit gains no interest by receiving material gifts,
Nor by the amount of currency spent on expendable tangibles.
Inflation of the ego does not measure your self value,
Through receiving something artificially expensive.
Become humble through the joy of giving,
And accept immeasurable gifts from the heart with radiant humility.

Do not cause fear in others through shame,
Fear turns the soul into an empty well.
If you look for truth in fear, the enemy of faith,
You then become your own enemy.
Fear extinguishes love,
Forgiveness enlightens the spirit to love.

Fear shrouds insight and blinds you from truth.
The light of forgiveness shines brightly on love.
Sin lives in darkness wedded to fear,
But insight and forgiveness absolve us from sin.
Search for truth in love and spirit in divine giving,
Give way to the immeasurable light of love,
Allow faith to guide you in lightness and in peace,
All gifts of the knowable present radiate,
And then you fear nothing, not even tomorrow.